"Mom, don't go!" Don't wait for the baby to cry and stop letting go before paying attention to separation anxiety

time:2022-10-02 04:43:47source:monlittlebaby.com author:Fever
"Mom, don't go!" Don't wait for the baby to cry and stop letting go before paying attention to separation anxiety

CD Mom CD Mom and Dad Have you ever encountered such a problem: whenever you want to go out alone, the baby will cry a lot. Especially the old mother who needs to go to work during the day, you must have experienced this kind of scene. This is what we often call "separation anxiety", which is not uncommon in children before the age of 3. DD is much better now, but just a year ago, he was the "immature" little boy who would cry and cry every time I left. As soon as I changed clothes, picked up my bag, or changed my shoes, he immediately started hugging his thighs, strangling his neck, and crying loudly until his grandma had to take him away... To be honest, there was nothing that bothered me, nor It doesn't hurt, but I didn't really worry about it. After all, it is normal for a baby of this age to have separation anxiety! 1. Separation anxiety is normal! This point is illustrated in the theory of developmental psychology: it is a normal instinct for a child with a healthy "secure attachment" to feel anxious when the mother leaves. Let's put it this way, if you can give him a sufficient sense of security and meet his emotional needs, then when the person he trusts the most leaves, he will definitely be uneasy and anxious. Or, if you think about it in reverse, if he was like nothing when you left, wouldn't you have to worry about it: this little conscience really treats his mother as a passerby! So, sisters can relax like me, this is not a difficult difficulty to overcome. It is also mentioned in "Burke's Life Development Psychology": after the baby is 1.5 to 2 years old, he can gradually realize that the caregiver's departure is temporary, not permanent. At this stage, the baby's resistance to separation will drop. And ah, they can slowly get emotional and social satisfaction from other caregivers, friends, and they won't just stare at you. By then, you might even be jealous! For example, when my sister was on summer vacation, I brought her to the office, and the one DD asked to stay was not me, but my sister! How to relieve separation anxiety? Of course, we can't help but understand the problems at this stage. Faced with a crying baby, how can we ease their separation anxiety and make every separation a little easier? 01When you leave, say goodbye openly and aboveboard Many mothers choose to sneak away in order to prevent their children from crying, but this will only make separation anxiety worse. Because children are actually far more sensitive than we think. If we often disappear for no reason without him being prepared, he will pay more attention to our movements and dare not concentrate on anything, for fear that we will suddenly disappear and become insecure. The best way for children to do this is to tell them the schedule when they leave. We can clearly explain to the child where to go, when to return, who to go with, what to do... No need to sneak away when he doesn't pay attention, and no need for mother-in-law to delay the time of leaving, not to mention saying "Mom is also reluctant to let you go." ah" to incite. Let's just say "goodbye" to our children in an open and honest way. Maybe when you get to the top of the stairs and out of sight of your child, he will stop crying and quickly turn his attention to the person or other things around him. Therefore, after we decide to leave, we only need to say goodbye to the child in an open and honest way, and leave as quickly as possible, which will shorten the child's sadness and separation anxiety. 02 After returning home, recharge the baby's sense of security. How decisive is it when you leave, and how much company you must have when you return home. During this period of separation from the baby, it will affect his sense of security to some extent. We need to have more parent-child interaction and find ways to recharge the baby's sense of security. For example: In the past when DD had separation anxiety, every time I went home, I would give him a big hug first. Then I shared with him the interesting things that happened to me today, and then asked him what he was doing at home and whether he was in a good mood... For me, the time after returning home is to make up for and enjoy the parent-child time. In addition to sharing what happened when we were separated from each other, we can also accompany the baby to read picture books, take a bath, coax sleep, etc., which are all very good. Although doing this every time can take a lot of time. But over time, the child can adapt to this rhythm: even if the mother leaves during the day, she will accompany me to do what she likes at night. This will even make your child expect high-quality companionship from you to come back after separation. Every time the expectation is fulfilled, it will become a reserve for the child's sense of security. He feels more and more that "I can trust Mom", and he will feel more and more relaxed about separation, and gradually he will no longer be so anxious. 03 I believe that the caregivers who accompany them at home are not something that most mothers can handle alone. In many cases, the help of other caregivers is actually needed. A mother like me who returns to the workplace after giving birth and needs to work every day see other caregivers as indispensable. In my house, grandma's care for the two babies saved me a lot of heart. Looking at it this way, if we also have ideas, we can plan ahead and choose a trusted caregiver for the baby, so that the child and the caregiver can get acquainted as soon as possible. Usually, we can guide the child to play with the caregiver and establish a familiar process. Under the premise of being taken care of by a caregiver, let's try going out for a short time first. For example, the time is limited to one hour. Of course, it is best to adhere to the above-mentioned "goodbye when you leave, and good company when you go home". When the child is more familiar with the caregiver's company, gradually extend the time out. It is worth mentioning that during separation, we should trust the caregivers who accompany us at home instead of calling frequently. Not to mention that this may affect the caregiver's care of the child, and if noticed by the child at home, it will arouse his sadness about not being able to see his mother. Therefore, trust in other caregivers is also a necessary condition for relieving children's separation anxiety. Third, the baby can accept the inevitable regret! In fact, the article is written here, the thing about separation anxiety is over. But I would like to say two more words. Mothers all know that children have a strong sense of dependence on us when they are young. Including: unwilling to be separated, always wanting to accompany, hoping to be satisfied... However, many times, mothers are actually powerless. When mothers want to become superhumans, they are not superhumans after all. The most fearful thing is that we are obviously very tired and have limited ability, but we insist that we do not want to refute the child's wishes, and we do not want the child to leave regrets or even harm in childhood. You obviously need to go out for something, but you can’t bear to let the child who is holding you tightly let go and choose to compromise; you are really tired when you go home, and you don’t have enough energy to coax your child to sleep, but you are unwilling to refuse the child and bite the bullet Also on your own. But have you thought about it? This is not only about the consumption of oneself, but also may lead to complaining about the children. When you can't go out for the Nth time, when you insist on staying with your child for the Nth time, you may not help but throw the blame and lose your temper at him: "I'm already so tired, you are still pestering How can I be so ignorant!" You are self-righteous for the child, but instead make him bear a crime - "I am a bad child who doesn't care about his parents." This is compared to the hurt that you can't accompany him, To be bigger! But in fact, a child, even if he is only 2 years old, can accept these inevitable regrets in life: ● Parents occasionally do not want to respond to him; ● Family members cannot satisfy him in everything and accompany him all the time ● Adults sometimes do not understand him, Intolerant of him... that's what he had to go through when he was growing up. For example: DD wakes up at five or six in the morning. The first thing is to pull me up to play with me, but I sleep very late. I'm sleepy, I can't wake up, I don't want to play with you now." Then he would cry, in fact, at this time, all he felt was a kind of regret, and he wanted his mother to accompany him, but his mother was unwilling. When a child encounters regret, what is the normal trajectory? He will go to other places to find resources to make up for this regret in his heart. For example: go to see your sister or grandma, go eat something delicious, play something fun... The child can make up for this regret by himself through a series of activities, and after this, he will not feel resentful . That's how it is with raising children, we can't be perfect. But I'd rather admit that I'm an imperfect bad mother than force my child to admit that he's a bad child.
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