No matter how good children are, they are afraid that their parents will always turn over old accounts.

time:2022-11-27 author:Common phenomenon
No matter how good children are, they are afraid that their parents will always turn over old accounts.

If you want to list the most headaches for parents, it will definitely be on the list. Parents always don't understand why their children make the same mistakes over and over again. In the face of a child's situation, the most common way for parents is to turn over the old accounts, list the similar mistakes that the child has made in the past one by one, and reprimand him for not changing after repeated teaching, thinking that this can make the child's memory long. However, the results were disappointing. Because, old-fashioned communication is not only ineffective, it can even be harmful.

Looking through old accounts will strengthen children's negative labels

There is a "label effect" in psychology, which means that once a person is placed under a certain In conclusion, just like a product is labeled, it will consciously make its behavior consistent with the label. A friend never goes out with an umbrella. Ask why. She said she lost her umbrella several times as a child. As long as the umbrella is lost, the mother will repeat the incident of her previous loss of the umbrella. After a long time, she firmly believed that she would definitely lose her umbrella when she went out with her. So now I would rather get in the rain than bring an umbrella. My mother kept going through old accounts and labeling her a mess. Under the subconscious push, she will be more likely to forget objects. In the same way, the more parents criticize the child for dawdling, the slower the child will move; the more he reprimands the child for cowardice, the less timid the child will be; When the umbrella is depressed, she does not turn over the old accounts, but asks: "What can I do next time, can I avoid it?" and find an opportunity to praise her for her carefulness. She will definitely not be afraid to bring an umbrella because she is worried about losing it. Labels have a guiding role, whether good or bad, they will affect a person's self-perception and self-evaluation, making it develop in the direction indicated by the label. Children are more susceptible to labels because of their immature mental development. Therefore, when a child makes a mistake, parents should cover the wrong cognition with the correct concept and trigger the child to think positively; they should focus on how to help the child develop good habits, rather than repeatedly accusing him of wrong behavior. As psychologist Rudolf Drakes put it in The Child: The Challenge: "If our focus is all on the negative, how can we expect our children to find the direction and source of strength that leads to positivity and success? "

Finding old accounts can damage children's confidence

The "water knows the answer" experiment shows us the enormous power of language. If you speak ill of water, the crystal will become ugly; if you praise it, the crystal will be very beautiful. Water is still like this, not to mention children. Jane Nelson, author of Positive Discipline, once said, "Where do we get the absurd notion that if we want our child to do better, we must first make him feel bad?" Stop pointing out the mistakes of the child in the past, and keep emphasizing the things he did not do well, it will make the child feel the distrust of the parents, and will think that he is terrible and can't do anything, which will eventually destroy the child's confidence. There is a person whose parents always say she is stupid and can't learn anything well. In fact, she worked very hard, but her parents couldn't see her efforts and progress. They only blamed her when her grades were bad, and kept repeating her past failures. Slowly, she decided that she was "not the material to study". At this time, no matter how her parents laughed and reprimanded her, she didn't care, and she didn't learn at all. There is a saying that goes well: "Confidence is more important than gold". Confidence is the biggest motivation for a person to try and get better. If parents damage their children's confidence because of a bad performance, they will undoubtedly lose watermelons and pick up sesame seeds.

Finding old accounts can damage the parent-child relationship

In Inferiority and Transcendence, Adler argues: There are two things, one is a sense of belonging and the other is a sense of value.” Parents are the most important people in a child’s life, and children are born eager to be seen by their parents. If parents only notice their children when they are underperforming, children will use inappropriate behavior to get their parents' attention. What can be repeatedly mentioned by parents must be what parents care about the most. In order to seek attention, children will be more inclined to repeat these mistakes. Conversely, if parents turn their attention to what their children are doing well and ignore their misbehavior, their children don't need to make repeated mistakes to get attention. Also, no one likes someone who criticizes them all the time, even if they know they care. There is a parenting program in which parents turn to experts for their children's Internet addiction. After in-depth understanding, experts found that children were not addicted to games at the earliest. It's just that every time I play games, my parents will nag and criticize him, saying that he doesn't keep his promises and always breaks the agreement. Over time, the conflict between the child and the parents intensified. In the end, the child simply did not go to school because of his anger, and played games at home every day. Philosopher Kishimi Ichiro reminds parents: "Only by establishing a good relationship with the child can we provide effective guidance when the child needs help." Constantly turning over old accounts is undoubtedly constantly rubbing salt on the child's wound. Even a parent-child relationship where blood is thicker than water cannot withstand such repeated injuries. When a high wall is erected between parents and children, it is difficult for parents to influence their children. "Good parents have a zipper on their mouths, and they never talk to their children as they want." As parents, you shouldn't be a bad critic for your children's chattering, but lift your children up with trust and encouragement, so that they have the confidence to grow up by making mistakes. , full of soul, full of heart.
Related content